


Midnight Talker

by savingprivatesimmons (black_twosugars)



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Self-Discovery, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 01:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4000777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_twosugars/pseuds/savingprivatesimmons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin struggles with revelations and discoveries about his sexuality that leave him confused and conflicted. It’s a strife for him to even accept himself; how on earth is he supposed to expect anyone else to accept him too?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Midnight Talker

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this to practice a new kind of writing style (I had never written a fic in the present tense before starting this) and it kind of got away from me. I’m quite proud of how it turned out, though ^_^  
> Playlist can be found [here](http://8tracks.com/katrina96/midnight-talker).

**I**

Ryan’s a pretty attractive bloke, Gavin reasons after scrolling past the thousandth tweet that spoke of how “devilishly handsome” he looks as he models the most recent shirt in the RT Store. It wasn’t one made at his expense so Ryan complied when Jon threw it at him to wear it.

Gavin isn’t really interested in men, though.

 

**II**

Geoff manages to convince Ryan to do something sneaky with his “mystical technology powers” which will ultimately end up in Michael getting frustrated and probably yelling about it. It’d make for a good video – Shenanigans Episode 2, Geoff explains. Gavin hadn’t paid full attention to what the actual plan was, but Geoff grabs Gavin’s phone from his desk and slaps it into his hands, a wild grin on his face as he orders him to start filming.

On his hands and knees under Michael’s desk is Ryan, and the only angle Gavin can get is a full view of Ryan’s ass. He reasons that the fans will be screencapping it for days, what with how fitting Ryan’s jeans are around his ass, but Gavin can’t dispel the lingering thoughts from his mind.

Even as he squeezes himself under the desk to get a better view of Ryan’s work, he can’t stop himself from thinking about the _other_ reason he hadn’t objected to filming what he’d filmed.

 

**III**

Editing the video isn’t as torturous as Gavin had expected; in fact, he’s barely paying any attention to how he may have accidentally filmed Ryan in a not-so-innocent way. He’s more preoccupied with actually getting the video edited so it can be posted.

Gavin’s door clicks open and Geoff walks in; Gavin pauses the video and swivels his chair to face Geoff.

The first thing Geoff does is double over in laughter at Gavin’s screen; that’s when he realises he’s paused on a rather spectacular view of Ryan from behind as he got on his hands and knees to crawl under the desk. If he looks closely, he can even see the a peek of Ryan’s underwear as his jeans ride a little low on his waist. Gavin feels his cheeks burn crimson but he frowns at Geoff anyway.

“Can I help you?” He snaps in a tone that’s a little bitter. It’s a vain attempt at getting Geoff to stop sniggering with laughter as he glances from Gavin to the screen and back again.

“Nah dude, I think I got all I came in here for.” Geoff says through his giggles. “Oh, and we’re going out on Friday. Just you, me and Griffon out for drinks.”

Gavin sighs and forces his shoulders to relax. “Sounds good to me,” he replies, somehow managing a small smile to show Geoff that he’s interested and not _too_ mad at him.

 

**IV**

Friday finally rolls around and Griffon takes him and Geoff to a men’s strip club. As a joke, of course. Scantily clad and bare-chested men are everywhere; on the stage performing alluring dances, serving drinks, manning the bar.

She slips one of the strippers $20 to dance with Gavin so he complains but complies, although the argumentative tone is unusually forced. The stripper’s name is Jake and he has broad shoulders, icy blue eyes and blonde hair. He kind of reminds him of someone… _oh_.

Ryan has captivating blue eyes and often fluffy dark blonde hair.

Gavin’s strangely distant for the rest of the night, confusion swirling inside of him like the beginning of a storm.

He laughs along with Griffon when a burly stranger approaches Geoff and begins to hit on him, offering to buy him drinks whilst complimenting his tattoos and moustache, but Gavin’s heart isn’t in it. His mind is on other things.

 

**V**

It’s a whole week later and Gavin still can’t shake the confusion he felt as the stripper danced provocatively with him on the dance floor of that strip club.

Thoughts of Ryan, men, sexuality all cloud his mind. He doesn’t want to accept that he enjoyed the view of Ryan’s ass in figure-hugging jeans, he doesn’t want to believe that he liked the club, and he most certainly doesn’t want to think of the fact that the stripper he’d danced with reminded him of Ryan.

He needs some air.

 

**VI**

“I’m just gonna go for a walk,” Gavin mutters half-heartedly to Geoff as he shrugs his coat on and tucks his wallet into his back pocket.

Geoff narrows his gaze disbelievingly, but Gavin can clearly see the undertones of concern that linger there too.

“I just need to clear my head.” It sounds like a viable excuse.

Geoff nods in affirmation. “You know you can tell me if there’s anything wrong, yeah?” He assures, and Gavin’s comforted slightly by the friendly tone.

“Yeah,” Gavin replies gratefully, “thanks, Geoff.”

 

**VII**

The conversation between him and Geoff feels a lifetime ago as his hands roam across the light-haired and blue-eyed stranger’s clothed chest as they make out heavily in the strangely pristine bathroom of the bar they’d just met in. The hot stranger is against the door and Gavin’s leaning on him for support.

He lets himself feel out the differences between this man and the types of people he usually kisses. He’s only doing this for the confirmation... and maybe the relief of some intense sexual frustration as well. But it’s sexual frustration that can’t be relieved by getting with a female.

The man’s flat, broad chest is pressed against his own, his stubble scratches Gavin’s face lightly but the sensation is oddly enjoyable, and the man’s strong hands are firm as they unabashedly cup Gavin’s ass and _squeeze_.

He can’t even bloody remember the guy’s damn name, but he pins that down to the four whiskeys and however many beers he’d had. He can’t remember that either. But Gavin supposes that doesn’t matter. Not now, anyway.

His belt is being clumsily unbuckled, his fly is unzipped and a warm hand is palming at his crotch. Heat floods his body in ways Gavin never imagined possible in this sort of scenario with this sort of partner, but as teeth scrape his neck and the wandering hand slips beneath his boxers, Gavin can’t bring himself to give a single shit.

He loses himself to the sensations as he hastily reciprocates the intoxicating acts being performed on him with uniquely talented hands.

 

**VIII**

Geoff side-eyes him when he trudges in through the front door at half past one in the morning, gaze lingering on the dark hickeys adorning his neck and his dishevelled appearance.

But once he catches a whiff of the alcohol staining his breath, he sighs and guides Gavin to his bedroom before handing him a bucket and a glass of water before bidding him goodnight.

 

**IX**

Gavin wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache, and only some of it is actually due to the alcohol.

He’s more interested in men than he’d originally thought.

Gavin isn’t sure what to think of that.

 

**X**

It doesn’t bother him.

(Or that’s what he tells himself.)

 

**XI**

He doesn’t want to admit it, but it really does bother him.

 

**XII**

He doesn’t tell Geoff; not even when said man gives him that concerned furrow of his brow with pursed lips. He only wants to help, but Gavin doesn’t want to talk about it – he doesn’t know if he ever will.

 

**XIII**

He doesn’t tell Griffon; not even when she sits him down, a reassuring hand on his back as she unknowingly repeats Geoff’s words from the night before his discovery.

“It’s okay Gav, you know you can tell me if there’s anything wrong, yeah?” She phrases it like a question in order to provoke a response out of Gavin, just like Geoff had done. They were so in-sync that it never failed to amaze Gavin. He’d always been in awe of their love, but for some reason all it did now was make the weight in the pit of his stomach feel even heavier.

“Yeah,” he replies, and he’s aware of how monotonous it sounds. “Thanks, Griff.”

She sighs softly, pulling him close for a hug and kissing the top of his head in that motherly way she’d perfected long ago.

She doesn’t believe him, Gavin knows that for sure, but at least she’s willing to respect his boundaries by not forcing him to speak.

 

**XIV**

“Dude, what sane human being wouldn’t get fucked in the ass for a million dollars?” Is Ray’s response to one of Geoff’s questions during a Let’s Play.

Everyone replies with various renditions of “when a million bucks is on the line, sexuality doesn’t matter,” but for some reason it leaves Gavin feeling a little hollow.

He feels conflicted with himself – almost like he’s lying to the other Achievement Hunters – when he realises with a pang of something not-so-good that his answer to the proposed question would be something along the lines of “I’d do it for free.”

Ryan catches his eye and holds it for a fleeting second, an unreadable expression on his face, before Gavin forces his own attention back to his screen.

Gavin loses the GTA race they were playing by miles.

 

**XV**

“Three… two… one… be the first one to get killed by an NPC, GO!” Geoff’s voice cracks as per usual as he announced the beginning of another episode of GO!

Gavin scrambles on the shelves attempting to find one of their many copies of Grand Theft Auto V for a good few seconds before he finds it. There’s only one copy so Gavin grabs it, but just as his luck would have it, Ryan had grabbed it at the exact same time.

Ryan tugs on the case so Gavin tugs back and before either of them know it, Ryan gives a small shove to Gavin’s shoulder with his own. A smirk plays at Gavin’s lips as he grunts and shoves back. They’re bickering and squabbling as they claim to be the one who grabbed it first – they pointedly ignore Geoff when he says that there are three other copies of the game left on the shelf because it’s not about _that_ anymore, it’s _personal_.

It’s Ryan’s fault, Gavin reasons, because there’s no way he would have taken it this far; Ryan’s the one to stick his foot out and trip Gavin up, but it backfires almost immediately. Gavin flails for a moment or two before using his free hand – the one not still holding the case – to grab onto Ryan. That turns out to be another mistake in itself because the action combined with the momentum sends the two of them toppling over onto the ground.

Gavin smiles sheepishly down at Ryan, who glares menacingly back. He drops his gaze to the case between them for less than a second.

Then Gavin glances up and so does Ryan. Their eyes lock, and for a moment Gavin loses himself in the pale turquoise eyes that sparkle with something mischievous. It’s a beautiful sight, albeit one he only gets to witness for a few moments before Ryan recognises how Gavin falters. He deftly slips the case from Gavin’s grasp and rolls them both over again so he can quickly stand up and slide the disc into his Xbox.

Geoff cackles with laughter, Ryan smirks and continues as if nothing had happened, but Gavin’s left lying on the floor wondering what the hell just happened.

 

**XVI**

The same night as the GO! fiasco, Gavin sleeps better that he’s slept in years.

He dreams of a shimmering blue ocean, waves lapping at his feet as his toes sink into the soft, golden sand. Someone’s hand is in his own – its grip is firm and the person’s skin is calloused – but Gavin doesn’t turn to see who it is. The sun is a gentle caress of warmth on his bare skin, and the brightness of it catches the rippling waves beautifully. It’s picturesque and Gavin doesn’t think he’s felt this calm or tranquil in his life.

 

**XVII**

Gavin greets everyone with a slightly chirpier tone the next morning at work. He’s feeling particularly charitable so he grabs an extra Red Bull from the fridge for Michael and picks up a Diet Coke for Ryan whilst he’s there.

“Psst, Ryan,” Gavin pokes Ryan on the shoulder and grins widely at him when the gent removes his headphones. “I got you a drink.”

Ryan’s face lights up in such a way that it reminds Gavin of a thousand shining suns, and not even the bluest of blues could rival how his eyes shone in that moment. Gavin wishes he had his camera.

“Thanks, Gavin,” he says, smiling broadly and taking the proffered drink. “This video’s been a nightmare.”

Gavin can clearly see that Ryan had needed the break. “You’ve been working hard, you deserve it,” he replies with another smile he couldn’t help sending Ryan’s way before returning to his desk, drink in hand and a strange fluttering in his chest.

 

**XVIII**

Gavin vs Ryan.

Ryan had challenged Gavin to some ancient PC game and had triumphed, obviously.

“Hey, you did a good job for someone who’s never played it before,” Ryan remarks, holding out his hand.

“Thanks, Rye-bread!” Gavin chirps back, grinning widely for the camera and shaking Ryan’s hand. He has a firm yet gentle grip and his hands seem rough from years of gaming and computing; their hands linger for no more than a second before Ryan drops his hand and they continue with wrapping up the video. After that, Gavin slinks back to his desk in faux-disappointment from losing the round of VS, but he has other things on his mind.

 

**XIX**

Gavin’s half-way through eating his sandwich at his desk when he has an epiphany, resulting in him almost choking on a piece of lettuce.

The dream makes sense. The blue, the blonde, the hands, the warmth. It all links back to one person.

Gavin’s about to continue with that train of thought when Geoff slaps him on the back and announces his return from his perilous journey into the dangerous kitchen to salvage some food. He forgets about his revelation for now, and instead he plays along with Geoff, asking what challenges he had to triumph against to reach his goal.

 

**XX**

“So, Gavin,” Ryan says, and Gavin swivels his Grand Theft Auto avatar to stand in front of Ryan’s. He watches with an amused smirk at Ryan who pulls out a rocket launcher. Long ago had Geoff officially banned Ryan from helping them complete whatever task they’d set for themselves, and Gavin was curious as to what Ryan had planned. “We’re Team Love ‘n’ Stuff, yeah?”

“That’s us!” Gavin replies cheerily, waiting and just _knowing_ that something spontaneous and murderous was about to be suggested.

“Can the ‘Stuff’ be explosions?” Ryan asks hopefully.

“Absolutely.” Gavin affirms, pulling out his grenade launcher and following Ryan who has already hijacked a car and is waiting for Gavin to get in.

“You’re by far my favourite.” Ryan informs in an exaggeratedly heartfelt tone and he spins around in his chair to wink at Gavin, blowing him a kiss before turning back to his screen.

Gavin’s heart skips a beat and he doesn’t even know how to respond to that. He somehow manages to quip back with a short and sweet “you’re my favourite too,” and he _really_ hopes that nobody notices how genuine it sounds.

He spends the rest of the video following Ryan around like an enamoured puppy, laughing a little bit too hard at Ryan’s jokes, and generally preoccupying himself with Ryan. He doesn’t realise it’s a problem until he gets home and lays down on his bed, far too awake to fall asleep.

 

**XXI**

He’s not in love with Ryan.

 

**XXII**

He’s not.

 

**XXIII**

He’s not.

 

**XXIV**

He’s not.

 

**XXV**

He _can’t_ be.

 

**XXVI**

Okay, so maybe he is. A lot.

 

**XXVII**

He’s _really_ in love with Ryan.

 

**XXVIII**

It’s a lot more complex than that, though.

He’s in love with the way that whenever Ryan’s smile reaches his eyes, it makes Gavin feel at home. He associates that smile with nothing but delight, contentment, and good, pure happiness; Gavin’s never seen a truer smile.

He’s in love with the cheeky and mischievous humour that often gets him into trouble. Gavin’s in love with the maniacal laughter that comes along with whatever crazy and inane stunt he’s trying to pull off in whatever video game they’re playing.

He’s in love with the handsome face and soft dark blonde hair that looks and Gavin wishes he could just run his fingers through it all day. The sunlight catches it in such a way that makes it shine, and Gavin finds that it reminds him of the sunrise; the golden glimmers so warming to his soul.

It’s almost laughable how much Gavin wants to kiss that stupid, dumb, beautiful face of Ryan’s.

He doesn’t know what to think of it. All he knows is that he, Gavin Free, is completely head-over-heels for Ryan Haywood.

 

**XXIX**

Gavin’s completely screwed, he realises.

It’s 4am and he hasn’t slept at all. He’s jacked off twice, spent an hour and a half mindlessly playing Destiny, and he’s sick of scrolling aimlessly through Reddit.

He knows what he is, but even _thinking_ of it hurts his brain. He feels ill with guilt every time he thinks about his ‘issues.’ He’s hesitant to call them that because in reality there’s nothing wrong with how he feels; he only calls them issues because he still hasn’t told anyone about it. Gavin feels like he’s lying to everyone he knows.

He feels regret when he sees an attractive guy on the streets and doesn’t point him out to Geoff – if the attractive human in question were to be female, he’d point her out without hesitation.

He feels remorse when he pretends to be unaffected after someone – Gavin can’t remember who or in what context it was said, all he remembers is that it was during the recording of a GTA video consisting of the Lads, Gents and Lindsay – claims that Lindsay’s the only Achievement Hunter who would willingly get fucked by a guy.

Maybe if he says it aloud then he’ll feel better.

He doesn’t want to, though.

He takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment, knowing that the nights had been crafted for saying things he can’t say sober from sleepiness during the day. Then he quietly whispers to himself, “I’m bisexual.”

His heart is beating at a significantly faster pace than normal and he feels oddly light-headed; but he said it. For some reason it feels like it’s now finalised, like that’s it, it’s confirmed now because it’s been spoken out loud.

Gavin feels exhilarated yet terrified all at once, so he makes his second and final confession of the night. This one comes more difficult to him – it’s as if the words are getting caught in his throat, like they don’t want to come out. So Gavin forces them to.

“I’m in love with Ryan,” he declares in a louder voice that he hadn’t intended to use, so he clamps his hands down on his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut.

He isn’t sure whether the sensation in his stomach is elation or sickness – maybe it’s both, he can’t tell. All he knows is that he can’t deny those two things any longer.

After curling up in bed, a weird albeit not uncomfortable lightness lingering in his chest, Gavin finds that sleep comes a lot quicker than he’d expected. He’s grateful for the lull of sleep that draws him under, silencing his buzzing thoughts and letting himself get lost in dreams.

 

**XXX**

It’s now a lot more difficult to keep the two facts a secret.

Even when the topics of Ryan or sexuality aren’t being discussed, they remain at the forefront of Gavin’s mind.

He bites his tongue so hard he almost draws blood when he nearly answers truthfully to Jack’s concerned query of “what’s on your mind, Gavin?”

(He nearly snorts with laughter when he almost answers with _“I’m really gay for Ryan”_.)

Gavin replies with “do you think trees have friends?” in an airy but serious tone, prompting laughter from everyone and scorning from Michael who thinks he’s a fucking idiot. It dissuades everyone from the notion that there’s something wrong with him, and Gavin’s relieved when they leave him alone after that.

Well, everyone apart from Geoff.

 

**XXXI**

He’s flicking absently through the channels on TV but the words on-screen aren’t even registering in his brain before he’s clicking to the next one.

Gavin almost leaps out of his skin when Geoff suddenly sits down on the couch next to him.

He tears his gaze away from the TV to glance at Geoff, who’s wearing an unnervingly serious expression; so serious that it’s almost a deadpan. There’s no remnant of happiness or humour on his face, and only a concerned frown remains.

“You know-” he begins, but Gavin snaps and cuts him off.

“That I can tell you anything, yeah. I know.” He’s full of vinegar and he knows it, but, once again, he doesn’t. Fucking. Care.

“Then why don’t you fucking tell me what’s wrong?!” Geoff exclaims, and Gavin’s heart sinks. Geoff isn’t angry – he’s so disappointed that he sounds close to being _devastated_.

“I… I’m… I’m not…” _‘Straight. I’m not straight.’_ The words are too heavy on Gavin’s tongue. It’s as if his body is physically protesting his confession. He’s flubbing his words almost as atrociously as Ryan.

Ryan. The man Gavin’s hopelessly in love with. The _straight_ man Gavin’s hopelessly in love with.

He sighs heavily and Geoff’s frustrated scowl softens into a worried pout.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that – it was rude and really fucking invasive. I’ll leave you alone.” Geoff sounds heartfelt and beaten up. He blames himself for Gavin’s sudden bout of sadness, so Gavin finds the confidence to stop him.

Grabbing Geoff’s sleeve, Gavin mutters an urgent “wait!” before he pauses. Their eyes meet and Gavin can easily see the hopeful glimmer in Geoff’s blue eyes; he wants Gavin to let him in, so let him in Gavin does.

He gives a gentle tug, a silent plea for Geoff to sit back down, and Geoff complies with the unspoken request. Gavin’s hands retreat to his lap to clasp tightly together, fingers intertwining as he hesitates.

Gavin takes a few deep, steadying breaths before recalling the 4am confessions he made to the darkness of his empty bedroom. This would be just like those; quick and without hesitation, just like a plaster.

“I’m bi and I love Ryan.”

Gavin feels his chest constrict the instant he uttered those six meaningful words; he snaps his gaze to his lap and he watches as his hands tighten together until his knuckles are white and his hands are shaking. When he draws in an uneven breath, he realises that the shaking isn’t due to how tightly his hands are clasped.

He’s scared.

No, scrap that.

He’s _petrified_.

Geoff lets out a small gasp and even though Gavin isn’t looking at him, he can already picture the wide-eyed and slack-jawed expression of shock he’s wearing on his face.

“Really?” Geoff asks, and it’s in the most tentative tone Gavin has ever heard him use. He feels a tiny spark of the tension diffuse in the comfort of Geoff’s calm demeanour.

Gavin turns his head to look Geoff directly in the face as he replies “yeah, really,” through gritted teeth and a strained voice.

“Oh.” Everything important and reassuring that Geoff had to say, no longer needs saying. It’s all conveyed through the understanding tone he uses to say that simple word, the concern that floods his features once again (but this time it’s for how distressed Gavin is – it has nothing to do with his stupid crush or his sexuality), the warm arm he wraps around Gavin’s shoulders.

Geoff manhandles Gavin into his lap and lets him rest his head on Geoff’s shoulder. There’s no sadness, no anger, no tears – just a long sigh as he exhaustedly melts into the contact and a heavy heart that needs things Geoff knows he can’t personally provide.

Only Ryan can provide the love Gavin craves and needs, but Geoff’s familial love can fill the hole for now.

 

**XXXII**

Gavin isn’t sure whether he’s glad or gutted that he spilled to Geoff.

On one hand, Geoff takes his mind off of his more crushing emotions when it all gets too much for him to handle alone. He brings bevs, good conversation, great humour, and companionship – Gavin’s grateful for Geoff’s willingness to help.

On the other hand, Geoff won’t stop shoving Gavin and Ryan together whenever possible. They’re teamed together in quite literally every game that needs teams of two; be it Minecraft, Grand Theft Auto, or even Destiny (strictly speaking they didn’t _need_ teams but Geoff said they should pair up to make things easier).

And when they’re all crammed into a booth at a bar of Geoff’s choice – because seriously, who’s going to argue with him when it comes to that? – Geoff shoves Ryan into the corner with Gavin pressed against him. He sits on Gavin’s other side for good measure, but makes sure to be constantly up and down getting drinks and refills.

They laugh it off, they always do, but having Ryan pressed so closely against Gavin has his mind wandering ever so slightly. He spends a brief moment after a few beers entertaining the thought of what it would be like to have Ryan in his personal space in more intimate ways, but he dispels those ideas immediately. Besides, his cheeks are starting to heat up and he can’t have anyone noticing.

 

**XXIII**

It’s a dream.

It’s a dream but Gavin doesn’t care because he can feel Ryan grinning as he litters open-mouthed kisses along Gavin’s jaw before trailing them down his neck. His hands are pinning Gavin’s arms above his head and he’s rolling his hips in a pace that’s agonisingly slow for Gavin who’s already trying to rut up to meet the movements.

It’s a dream but Gavin willingly suspends his disbelief as Ryan captures his lips lovingly and tenderly before pulling Gavin’s shirt off over his head. When they’re finally both naked after a gloriously lengthy amount of time just feeling one another, Ryan’s hot, sweaty body feels so _real_ against his own. But Ryan’s talented hands preparing him for pleasure to come feels even more lifelike.

It’s a dream but Gavin forgets that along with his own name as Ryan fucks into him. It’s hot and mind-blowing and the only words in Gavin’s vocabulary is a stream of curse words alongside “faster” and “harder”, and “Ryan, Ryan, _Ryan_.”

It’s a dream and when Gavin finally comes undone simultaneously with Ryan, they’re gasping each other’s name into their mouths. But then he jolts awake.

Gavin instantly sits bolt upright in bed and the weight in his chest feels like it’s increased by tenfold since last time. He’s hard but he quickly softens; he’s not in the mood for anything sexual anymore, not when his heart has never ached so dreadfully in a long time.

It’s no longer a dream and Gavin curls up in bed feeling too melancholic and sorrowful to sleep again.

He’s awake and alone and he wishes it was a dream.

 

**XXXIV**

Geoff stops off at 7/11 on the way to work and buys Gavin the biggest can of Red Bull he can find as well as a porn magazine featuring men. Gavin laughs despite himself and takes both offerings, thanking Geoff and feeling in a bit of an improved mood. He tucks the magazine into the back of his rucksack behind all his other stuff, trusting that it’s a decent enough hiding spot as he cracks open the Red Bull.

Just the mental image of Geoff browsing the magazine section brings a smile to his face.

He’s still exhausted and lethargic from lack of sleep, but the ache in his chest no longer feels terminal.

 

**XXXV**

In a not-so-subtle attempt to play matchmaker once again (and perhaps to cheer Gavin up), Geoff sends Gavin and Ryan to a _very specific_ sandwich shop that _just so happens_ to be a fifteen minute drive away.

Any other day Gavin would have been nervously ecstatic to be able to spend so much time alone with Ryan.

Today is a little bit different. He cringes at how pathetic it is, but he’s still affected by the dream from the previous night; it somewhat brought false hope and it forced Gavin to think of Ryan in such a way that will never happen. He hasn’t soberly fantasised about him, but the dream has stuck with him long after waking up and long after the hangover has dissipated.

“Are you alright?” Ryan asks, flicking his gaze off the road for a moment to take a concerned glance at Gavin’s expression. If he looks how he feels, he looks exhausted, despondent, and morose. He’s hurting, but he can’t let Ryan know that.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Gavin responds. It doesn’t sound convincing, but he hopes that it’s enough to sway Ryan’s mind.

“Are you sure? Because you really don’t look like it.”

“Gee, thanks.” Gavin replies half-heartedly.

“Gavin, look at me.” Ryan softly orders, and Gavin complies. He catches Gavin’s gaze and holds it – concern is evident in his ocean-blue eyes. “I’m asking because I care.”

“I’m _fine_.” Gavin snaps because Ryan may care, but it’s platonic. It can only ever be platonic.

“Okay, if you say so.” Ryan says with a sigh, and he almost sounds heartbroken.

Gavin instant regrets his words the moment he sees the light in Ryan’s eyes fade; he’s always worn his heart on his sleeve, and after being pushed away he looks wholeheartedly downtrodden. However, as concerned for Gavin as he must be – but not in _that_ way, Gavin reminds himself once again – he doesn’t push his luck.

 

**XXXVI**

The rest of the journey to the sandwich shop is fairly silent. Gavin’s thankful for the radio – it provides a comforting blanket of background noise and makes the lack of conversation a lot less awkward.

Ryan focuses on driving, and Gavin focuses on memorising the hastily scribbled list of food orders.

 

**XXXVII**

Gavin doesn’t take note of how downtrodden Ryan is. Well, he sees it but he doesn’t think about it for too long.

He doesn’t want to look into anything too deeply; he doesn’t want to raise false hope; he doesn’t want to hurt himself even more than he already hurts.

 

**XXXVIII**

They both head into the shop to buy the food – Ryan uses the cash Geoff handed him before he left – and they each carry a bag filled with food as they walk back to the car.

However, after Gavin follows Ryan’s lead by putting the food on the back seat, they both get into the car but Ryan doesn’t start the engine. They sit in silence for a few unsure moments before Ryan turns to face Gavin, concern still written upon his features clearer than the vibrant tattoos on Geoff’s skin.

“I don’t wanna pry or anything ‘cause I know it’s not my place to interrogate you about how you’re feeling,” Ryan launches straight into a speech he must’ve been internally practising since the conversation earlier in the car. “So I won’t do that, but I will tell you that I care about you.”

 _‘Not in the way I care about you,’_ Gavin’s mind bitterly replies.

“I hate seeing you so upset, and while I won’t force you to talk about it, I’m just letting you know that if you ever need anybody for anything, I’m here for you.” Ryan explains, a soft smile on his face as he catches Gavin’s gaze, and Gavin’s heart all but melts when he sees the sparkle return to Ryan’s eyes, the minute quirk of his lips as he looks at Gavin with a protective and affectionate expression.

“Thanks, Ryan,” Gavin replies, smile widening as he stares back at Ryan.

He realises that he could do it right now – he could lean in and kiss Ryan. Slowly, of course, he’d take his sweet time leaning in and savouring the look of surprise on Ryan’s face. Then he’d brush his lips softly against Ryan’s, pulling back for a second before leaning back in and kissing him firmer.

He doesn’t do it, though.

“I’ll ask one more time, though, and if you say no then I won’t mention it again.” Ryan says. “Are you okay?”

Gavin considers it for a moment. He hesitates, bites his lip, weighs the consequences against the benefits, and makes his decision. He decides he’d rather settle for heartache than heartbreak and he answers with an unconvincing “I’m fine.”

Once again, Ryan doesn’t press matters any further.

For that, Gavin is grateful. It means he can ask a stupid hypothetical and watch as Ryan scoffs in disbelief that someone would _actually come up with that_. They laugh and joke as Ryan starts the car and their conversation extends all the way back to the office.

However, as much as Ryan smiles, it never reaches his eyes.

 

**XXXIX**

Upon arriving back at the office, Ryan hands out everybody’s lunch before leaving his own at his desk and excusing himself to the bathroom. Gavin uses the time away from Ryan to glare at Geoff with the intensity of a thousand suns.

However, when Ryan returns he seems in a much better mood than before. He smiles, he jokes, he laughs – his happiness almost seems completely legit. Gavin knows better, though. He’s got a knack for knowing when emotions are being faked. Especially when they’re Ryan’s.

But then Ryan does the unthinkable; he puts in as much effort as possible to cheer Gavin up.

There’s the smallest hint of guilt hidden behind each smile he sends Gavin’s way, masked by the elaborate gestures and small acts of kindness. From bringing in a Red Bull in the morning, to letting Gavin win the Tower of Pimps, Ryan’s affection for Gavin never wavers.

Guilt slowly begins to eat away at Gavin from the inside out. Ryan has no idea about just how strong Gavin’s feelings are for him – he doesn’t know that Gavin’s forcing himself to not look too deep into the extra effort Ryan’s putting into cheering Gavin up.

He feels nothing but guilt when he thinks about how Ryan doesn’t know what he’s doing to Gavin whenever he goes out of his way to be exceptionally nice to him.

Maybe in another life it would have worked. But this life is the one that’s happening right now, and in this life guilt is eating away at Gavin from the inside out. He wants nothing more than to tell Ryan; he deserves to know the truth, but Gavin can’t tell him. Ryan can’t know. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

 

**XL**

The sun is casting a fiery orange glow across Geoff’s back garden; it contrasts with the royal blue of their house, but it enhances the golden gleam to the glass of whiskey in Gavin’s hand. Geoff is sat in a deck chair next to Gavin with a similar glass in his hand, although his is considerably emptier.

“You should tell Ryan.” Geoff says out of the blue. “It’s clearly hurting you to watch the guy you love barely spare you a second glance.”

And, well, that just hits it home for Gavin.

He smiles bittersweetly. “I can’t.”

Then he downs his whiskey and refills it with a generous amount before drinking that too.

 

**XLI**

After retreating to his room, a pleasant buzz warming his body already, Gavin flops onto his bed and rummages through his bag. He makes a tipsy noise of glee when his hand comes into contact with the desired object and he pulls out the magazine Geoff had bought for him.

He’s had a bit of a crap week, he thinks he deserves a little bit of self-care.

Actually, forget that. He’s had an _abysmal_ week. It’s been all but a train wreck of shit.

He experiences a slight adrenalin rush as he flicks open the magazine; sure, he got off with a guy before, but privately indulging in his attraction to men is new to him. He’s immediately greeted with the eagerly welcomed sight of various men posing in various erotic ways in various sexual outfits. As he turns the pages, Gavin begins to slowly palm his crotch until he’s rocking his hips upwards in time with his hand.

Hurriedly unzipping his shorts, Gavin strokes himself through his boxers, shivering at the addicting sensation of the thin layer of fabric restraining his quickly hardening erection. He spends a few minutes just basking in the warm buzz of arousal as he allows himself the desperately desired touch he craves.

However, after a few more minutes of relaxed enjoyment and page-turning, Gavin is almost writhing under his own touch as he yearns for more.

He shucks his jeans down and kneels on the bed before wrapping his hand around his achingly hard dick and bucking his hips into the contact. His quiet gasps and whimpers turn into increasingly louder moans of ecstatic bliss and pure pleasure as he fists his other hand in the loose sheets of his bed.

Shuddering under his own touch, Gavin focuses on one of the erotically posed and incredibly attractive men; he’s got one hand behind his head, exposing his pale neck and his other is splayed over the centre of his chest. He’s completely naked but he’s stood in such a way that his crotch isn’t visible to the camera. The model has such strong looking arms, such a dark, seductive gaze and such sharp blue eyes that contrast with his messy black hair. Gavin shivers again, hips twitching of their own accord.

He’s barely a few minutes in and he’s already leaking precome so he uses it to slick his length as he strokes it lavishingly, eliciting a breathy moan from his own throat as he relishes in the self-awarded ecstasy. He rakes his gaze over the man on the glossy page of the magazine and lets his mind take control; he would place his hands on Gavin’s shoulders, ravishing his mouth before dragging it over his chest and down to his hips where he would relish in the breathy moans Gavin lets out when he takes Gavin’s erection in his mouth.

He’d look up with blue eyes and Gavin would grab a fistful of the dusty blonde hair- _wait_.

Fuck. The man in his mind no longer looks like the man in the magazine; he looks like Ryan.

Fuck it, Gavin thinks, and he casts his mind back to the dream he’d had not long ago, recalling colourful images of Ryan leaning over him and fucking him into oblivion.

The magazine is cast aside as Gavin squeezes his eyes shut and lays back on his bed, permitting vivid memories of the dream to flood to the forefront of his mind. He runs his thumb over the head of his cock as he thinks of Ryan smirking down at him, hands everywhere as he practically worships Gavin’s lithe body.

Gavin slides one hand up his t-shirt along his chest and he shivers with anticipation as he imagines it as Ryan’s broader hand roaming over his torso. He quickly tears his shirt off over his head and throws it to the floor before going back to feeling all over himself, letting himself indulge in the sparks of arousal coursing through his veins.

He feels nothing but desire as he uses the dream to fuel his arousal. In his mind, Ryan’s the one touching him, and if he were here, he’d be biting and kissing and licking along Gavin’s neck, causing him to shudder. He’d be whispering the dirtiest of things into Gavin’s ear, bringing him even closer to his orgasm. It would be rough and raw and filthy as they touch each other, going no further than jerking one another off; but it would be sensual and erotic and _fuck_ he’s about to lose it.

Gavin arches into his hand and throws his head back onto the pillows, unravelling into a mess of whimpers and groans, but not before he reaches the brink of his orgasm with Ryan’s name on his lips and Ryan’s touch in his mind. He’s never felt so euphoric or drunk with lust in his entire life, and he bites down on his fist as the aftershocks wrack his body in sensual ways like he’s never experienced before.

 

**XLII**

As sleep slowly drags him under, Gavin finds that he doesn’t even regret it. He’s so far down the rabbit hole that he wouldn’t be surprised if white rabbits started carrying watches and telling him that he’s late for a very important date.

 

**XLIII**

Gavin’s getting a lot more careless about hiding his sexuality, that much is clear when he openly flirts with some attractive man with light brown skin, 9 o’clock shadow and dark chocolate eyes that match his dark brown, well-groomed hair. He’s hot but clearly not interested so Gavin quits flirting, leaving the conversation casual and friendly as he waits for his drink.

After returning to the table, beer in hand, he’s greeted with cocky grins from both Geoff and Griffon.

He’s thoroughly mocked for flirting so shamelessly by both of them and Gavin huffs in annoyance but he’s fighting off a smile. It’s just such a normal thing for Geoff and Griffon to do – they’re poking fun at his flirtation skills and not the gender of the person he’d been flirting with – that Gavin’s silently thankful for it.

“So, Gav,” Griffon says with a coy smirk. “Did you get his number?”

Geoff’s trying not to snort into his cocktail but he gives up and giggles aloud anyway when Gavin replies with “nah, it was just aimless flirting.”

 

**XLIV**

Gavin’s getting _really_ careless with hiding his sexuality; he’s almost worried that it might be a problem. He almost gives a shit, but can’t be bothered to care.

Lindsay and Meg are gushing about some new blockbuster movie with a hot actor. Michael’s silently fuming about it.

“C’mon, Gav, save me here. He isn’t _that_ hot, is he?” Michael asks, desperation clear in his voice and Gavin probably would have defied him even if he wasn’t into men.

“Yeah, he’s _really_ fit. Proper sex god with his damn dreamy eyes and abs and all. I’d bang him,” Gavin replies nonchalantly, receiving weird looks from not only Michael but Jeremy and Matt as well who had chosen that moment to walk into the office.

The look he gets from Geoff is one of concern, but Gavin ignores that in favour of pretending that he hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary. Meg and Lindsay return to enthusing about the movie, and Michael scoffs in disbelief before turning to his computer to get some work done.

 

**XLV**

The warm caress of the afternoon sunshine brings a smile to Gavin’s face as he picks up the damp tennis ball and throws it for Cordolium – a beautiful German Shepherd and golden retriever mixed dog belonging to Geoff and Griffon. As well as heating his face, the bright sun somehow brings warmth to Gavin’s heart; he’s not as cold or stressed as he’s been feeling lately.

He and Geoff are all but _cackling_ with laughter as they exchange shitty jokes and hilarious stories whilst walking along their usual route with Cordo. The ache in Gavin’s sides is strangely pleasant as he thinks of why it’s there, and he wipes away a few tears in his eyes before bumping his shoulder against Geoff’s.

The two wheeze with laughter until they’re giggling and chuckling amusedly together, barely even needing words to communicate. That’s one thing Gavin has always loved about Geoff; they’re on the same wavelength and Geoff almost always understands Gavin’s weird statements that often even confuse himself at times. Gavin always enjoys walking Cordolium with Geoff – they get to act as their usual selves, only filtering their language when young children are around. It is a public park, after all.

Most people walking in the opposite direction as them had ignored them. An eight-year-old girl and her mother had stopped so the girl could pat Cordo on the head and Geoff handed her the ball for her to throw it for him, but other than that they had been undisturbed.

As per usual, all good things come to an end.

An old man with wiry silver hair and a permanent scowl scoffs at them as he walks past. He turns his nose up and gives the pair a completely dirty, disgusted expression.

Gavin barely recognises the abhorrence. He’s too busy watching Cordo bound in pursuit of the tennis ball.

Geoff – ever the observant one – notices.

“Is there a problem?” He asks, and Gavin can just about sense the hint of bitterness laced into his tone.

“You shouldn’t go flaunting yourselves in public. It’s obscene and _wrong_.” The man grinds out acidically, evidently a little bit furious. “There are _children_ around!”

Geoff tilts his head and furrows his brow slightly; evidently he’s confused, but Gavin’s heart drops to his stomach because he understands what the man’s implying.

“Oh,” he says hollowly, a heavy ache in his chest. “We’re not together.”

The elderly man narrows his eyes but Geoff’s widen in understanding. He switches from confused to downright rage-filled within a matter of moments; Gavin would have found it impressive if he hadn’t wanted the ground to swallow him up.

“You’re fucking _lucky_ we’re not together because if we were, I’d tear you a fucking new one for being such an asshole about a relationship between two people you _literally_ have never met before in your life.” Geoff snaps, voice cracking with pure unadulterated anger. His fists are clenched and Gavin can almost hear the steam pouring out of his ears. “You can’t tell people that they’re immoral just for loving someone of the same sex. Love is love, motherfucker. Actually, you better hurry along because I have half a mind to fuck you up anyway and the other half’s beginning to agree.”

The old man’s mouth opens and closes a few times and if Gavin was in a better mood he would have laughed and compared him to some kind of dumb fish – maybe a goldfish or a guppy. Instead, he just sighs in relief as the man scurries past them and says no more.

Gavin glances up at Geoff

“Ignore him.” Geoff demands in such a deadpan that Gavin can honestly say that he’s never heard Geoff be more serious in his life. “In fact, ignore _anyone_ who says you can’t like guys just because you’re a guy too.”

“Thanks, Geoff,” Gavin manages to mutter quietly as he picks up the ball Cordo had brought back a while ago. He brings his arm back and lobs the ball, releasing it as well as some of the pent-up frustration he’d been repressing. It doesn’t do much for him, but he’s grateful for the stress reliever.

After a few more minutes of silence, Gavin speaks up again. “I just don’t think I want people finding out, though. At least not yet, anyway… Maybe not ever.”

“When assholes like that prick exist in the world, I can’t blame you.”

 

**XLVI**

The question comes as a shock to Gavin – mostly because after the incident in the park with the old man earlier, Gavin had assumed that was the end of that particular conversation.

“Do you really want people finding out?” Geoff asks, and Gavin immediately knows that he’s referencing the fact that Gavin likes guys as well as girls.

“About what?” As per usual, Gavin plays dumb.

“That you’re bi.” Geoff replies before casually taking a sip of his beer.

“No.” Gavin mutters, sorely wishing he hadn’t finished his beer because he desperately longs for something to occupy himself with rather than this conversation. It’s too serious and intense for his liking.

“Then maybe be a little bit more careful with what you say,” Geoff says. Gavin doesn’t even need to look at the furrowed brow and serious expression to know how worried Geoff is – the concerned tone to his voice is all he needs to hear.

Gavin sighs and considers getting the Jack Daniels from the cupboard. “I’m just tired.” _‘Of having to pretend’_ goes unsaid, but it doesn’t need to be for Geoff to understand. “But I’m also scared shitless.”

“I know, buddy, I know.” Geoff nods sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder as he gets up to get Gavin another drink.

When he comes back with a tumbler half-filled with Jack Daniels, Gavin can’t help but smile – Geoff knows him so well. He takes a large sip of it, fights back a wince when the strong burn and the taste of charcoal tickles his throat, and distracts himself by playing video games all night long with Geoff by his side and alcohol numbing his mind.

 

**XLVII**

After the conversation with Geoff, Gavin’s a lot more careful about what he says. He averts his eyes when he sees an attractive guy in the streets, he doesn’t speak up when someone brings up that Meg and Griffon are two of the only bi people they know, and, most of all, he acts oblivious to all of Ryan’s aimless flirting.

Ryan’s notorious for acting smooth and suave with practically everyone, and Gavin’s notorious for maintaining casual flirtatious banter with him. It’s easy enough to bite his tongue whenever he wants to shoot back with some kind of suggestive remark.

Gavin supposes he could get used to this; forcing himself to act ‘normal’. Physical wounds seem superficial compared to how painful this is, but he can adapt (especially considering how well it’s going so far).

 

**XLVIII**

Of course he slips up.

 

**XLIX**

And of course everyone notices.

 

**L**

“I bet guys are better at handjobs than girls,” Geoff remarks casually as he overtakes Jack in a Grand Theft Auto 5 race.

“Yeah, guys are _way_ better than girls. They’ve got the experience, though, so it makes sense.” Gavin replies, and it takes a good few seconds of silence before Michael snickers and Gavin realises the implications of what he’s said.

“Can uh…” Words seem to catch in his throat like fishhooks. He’s chewing so hard on the inside of his cheeks that he’s surprised he’s not bleeding. His heart is pumping so loudly that he’s _positive_ the mics will pick it up as well as his shaky breathing. “Can we bleep that out?” He asks tentatively.

“Sure, buddy.” Geoff replies calmly, shooting Gavin a reassuring smile. Gavin appreciates the sentiment, but it does nothing to quell his nerves.

Oh yep, there’s the blood. The copper is tangy and bitter in his mouth but the discomfort and slight sting of the minor wound grounds him.

Lindsay blows Ryan up with some rockets and he flubs his words in frustration – it’s adorable and Gavin finds his heart sinking even lower with regret. He feels antsy and honestly thinks he’s shaking with fear as he angsts over his slip-up.

The rest of the video goes in a similar fashion: he’s distant, he loses, and he’s reminded of weeks ago when he repressed his feelings in a similar way.

The only difference between now and then was that he had been trying to kid himself into believing that he was straight and had no special feelings for Ryan; now he’s just trying to kid himself into believing that nobody cares that he’s interested in guys. If he stays quiet and doesn’t talk to Ryan, then he’ll be fine, he reasons.

They wrap the video up relatively quickly – Gavin only knows that because he can see how long his recording is, otherwise he’d have no idea. He feels another punch to the stomach when he looks at his recording and sees how little he spoke after the incident.

He saves both his audio and video before fleeing from the office, brushing past a surprised Caleb who almost trips over backwards when they nearly collide in the doorway.

After slamming the door open, Gavin takes one look outside and sighs. It’s pouring down with rain and he hears a faint rumble of distant thunder, but he strolls outside anyway. He’s only wearing a t-shirt, but he’s thankful for the rain and the high humidity of the Texan weather; the rhythmic pounding of raindrops on his bare skin is sharp but warm. He’s already soaked to the bone by the time he finds a wooden table to sit on – he rests his feet on the bench attached to it and glances up.

The parking lot is full and raindrops ping off the rooftops of the cars, but the one thing that fascinates Gavin is the faint flash of brilliant white in the distance. The lightning is barely there for a second before it’s gone again and Gavin counts nine Mississippi's before he hears the distant roll of thunder. The orange haze from the streetlights catches the rain, illuminating each raindrop so quickly that Gavin can’t even begin to count them.

From where he’s sat, he can see out of the parking lot and through the gates to the sidewalk and other buildings across from Stage 5. He’s the only person he can see; the solitude almost feels like a security blanket that Gavin doesn’t ever want to give up. He closes his eyes and tips his head back, letting the downpour of rain fall onto his face – he’s no longer sure what’s rain and what’s tears, but he doesn’t care.

A shiver shoots down his spine as he shifts and he finally feels the chill of the downpour seep through his clothes. He still doesn’t regret not grabbing a jacket – he’s got far more important things to regret.

Like the fact that he accidentally came out to a room full of his closest friends not five minutes ago. Although it could be longer – sitting in the constant torrential rain with nobody else around feels timeless. But as much of a buffer from society as it is, it doesn’t prevent Gavin’s mind from wandering.

They all know.

Well, everyone that matters.

Even Ryan.

He tries not to think about what Ryan might be thinking; he hadn’t paid anyone’s reactions any heed. The only person he’d taken note of was Michael and how he’d giggled when he heard Gavin speak of his prior experience with a guy. He tried not to take offence, but it was hard not to when his best friend just laughed at such a confession. Michael had laughed. That was when Gavin tuned out and stayed silent for the rest of the video.

Gavin’s snapped out of his thoughts when someone joins him on his table, but not before draping a jacket over his shoulders. The jacket feels a little too big to be one of his own, and that’s when Gavin glances to his left.

“Ryan?” His voice is weak and everything feels like it’s crashing down around him; he’s confessed far too much for one day and he’s terrified that he’s about to make more.

Instead of replying to Gavin’s question, Ryan asks one of his own.

“Is that what you’ve been so worked up about lately? That you like men?” Ryan asks it so softly, so tentatively, so cautiously that Gavin’s heart flutters. Ryan’s said it before, but it’s evident by the way a flash of lightning lights up the concern in his ocean blue eyes that he cares. Not just a little; Ryan cares a _lot_.

“Yeah,” is all Gavin can say because honestly, what else is he supposed to say?

“You realise that we all love you no matter what, right?” Ryan says, and he can clearly sense that there’s something more to Gavin’s statement. “We love you for you, not for who you’re attracted to.” There’s hope in Gavin’s eyes as he catches and holds Ryan’s gaze. “Besides,” he adds, “it’d be hypocritical of me if I hated you for being interested in guys as well as girls.”

Holy shit. Gavin blinks away a few stray drops of water so he can widen his eyes when his jaw goes slack with shock. “You’re…?”

“I’m bisexual, yeah.” Even _hearing_ the words fall from Ryan’s mouth feels like a dream. It must be a dream because there’s _no effing way_ that this is happening right now - there’s no way this is reality.

“Me too,” Gavin says, and he almost cringes with how dumb he sounds.

“I kinda gathered that.” Ryan replies, drawing a chuckle out of Gavin. It’s the first time he’s ever felt so blissfully happy in an incredibly long time.

Ryan returns the smile before turning to glance out at the desolate parking lot.

They sit in silence for a while as the rhythm of the rain keeps time with their steady heartbeats – the ambient sounds are a blanket that prevents Gavin’s ears from ringing. There’s another flash of brighter, whiter lightning and Gavin only counts four Mississippi's this time before there’s a louder bellow of thunder.

Ryan’s the first to breach the silence with words. “What was the other thing?” He asks innocently.

“What?” For one wonderful moment, Gavin actually forgets.

“I’m not stupid,” Ryan says, cockily raising an eyebrow and smirking. No, Ryan’s never been stupid. An oblivious idiot, maybe, but never stupid. However, when Ryan continues he sounds a little more nervous than before. “And, well, I’m not sure if I’m being self-obsessed or not but I was under the impression that it had something to do with me… Am I right?”

Gavin’s heart catches in his throat as he realises just how damn smart Ryan is. He shouldn’t be surprised though, he’s always known this. It’s also one of the other reasons for just how much Gavin adores Ryan. Gavin’s impossibly in love and it’s finally clicking for Ryan, albeit slowly and gradually.

He doesn’t want to say it, though, because that’ll make it real; and he still doesn’t know if he’s ready for this.

“You can talk to me, Gavin.” Ryan insists. “I promise I won’t tell a single soul.”

Gavin casts his gaze to his left and looks into Ryan’s eyes – there’s another flash of lightning which is quickly followed by a clap of thunder, and Gavin smiles when the blinding white enhances the sharp, ocean blue of Ryan’s eyes.

Ryan’s usually-fluffy hair is plastered to his forehead, water is cascading down his face and his fingers are pulling his thin jacket tightly around his body. He’s completely soaked through and almost shivering with the chill, but he’s still the most beautiful human being Gavin has ever had the privilege of laying his eyes upon.

Actually, scrap his earlier thought. Gavin’s _so_ ready for this.

The words are begging to be released – Gavin feels as though he physically can’t hold them back any longer. He’s been keeping such a tight grasp onto this secret for so long that he worries that he’ll burst if he doesn’t spill it.

“I like you,” he confesses boldly as he tries not to gasp for air. He feels like he’s drowning – he can’t believe the words are finally out there and Ryan finally knows – and the release feels like it’s his salvation, but it feels like it’s pulling him under at the same time.

“You like me?” Ryan asks, and his voice betrays him when it sounds confused rather than calm. He’s only just realising the implications of Gavin’s words – Gavin watches in awe as it slowly dawns on Ryan that Gavin’s holds such strong and powerful feelings towards him. The questioning yet unreadable look in Ryan’s eyes means _everything_.

“Of course,” Gavin can barely hear his own voice of the heavy downpour of rain and the intense crack of thunder as he confirms Ryan’s thoughts. A flash of lightning lights up the whole parking lot and Gavin flinches. Ryan smiles fondly at him and it sparks a thought within Gavin, but he doesn’t dwell on it. The things happening _now_ are of far greater importance than whatever daydreams Gavin could have summoned.

“How long for?” Ryan asks tentatively.

“Quite a while.” Gavin informs. He means _‘a long time’_ and Ryan’s soft gasp betrays that he understands what Gavin didn’t say.

“Oh god,” he sounds painfully _guilty_ and Gavin feels his heart ache. He hates hearing Ryan feel so downtrodden. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Gavin says, because it isn’t, not really. He could have probably stopped himself from falling for Ryan if he’d tried hard enough. But then again, it’s also not Ryan’s fault for being such a beautiful and funny and _good_ human being that Gavin couldn’t help but fall in love with him.

He’s fallen so hard that it feels like he had been destined to love Ryan, no matter whether it’s reciprocated or not. The stars are aligned, the lightning strikes, the clock has stopped. This was fate.

“But I’ve caused you so much unnecessary pain and confusion because I like you too and you shouldn’t have had to suffer through all of that just because I’m an oblivious idiot…” Ryan blurts out quickly. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise sooner.”

Gavin wants to laugh bitterly and self-deprecatingly, wants to scoff _‘yeah, right’_ , wants to believe that Ryan’s lying to him because there’s no way he’s telling the truth.

But then he takes a good long look at Ryan’s face and he’s hit with how powerful the sorrow written on his features is. His confession had been so emotional, so heartfelt and so genuine that it was almost overwhelming.

Gavin blinks.

“I like you too, Gavin. I like you so much that it hurts.” Gavin hears no lies or hints of false truth in Ryan’s words, and he continues to soak in the powerful words that flow from his lips more naturally than water coursing down a river. “I hated seeing you so upset and downtrodden that I tried helping you in every way I knew how…” He pauses to huff a laugh before continuing, “obviously I completely missed the reason you weren’t happy; if I’d known then what I know now then I don’t think I would have needed words to cheer you up.”

“What would you have done?” Gavin asks before he can stop himself – this is all so surreal to him that his head is almost spinning.

“If you let me, I’d have taken your face in my hands,” he shifts on the table to face Gavin, leaning on the wet surface with his right hand as his left hand cautiously raises to gently cup Gavin’s face when he didn’t object. “I’d lean in close,” and he did, causing Gavin to shiver as he feels every exhale of breath upon his lips and face. He yearns for those lips to meet his own, and his heart skips a beat and his breath hitches when Ryan says “and I’d kiss you.”

He doesn’t, though, and Gavin’s somewhat disappointed until Ryan carries on talking.

“Softly, of course. You’d need to be reassured of how much I _really_ goddamn care about you, and I’d need to make sure you know just how important you are to me. You’re undoubtedly-”

“Ryan?” Gavin’s voice was no more than a whisper as he cut Ryan off.

“Yes, Gavin?” Ryan sooths in a tender voice, the corner of his lip curling upwards as he rakes his gaze over Gavin’s face.

Gavin takes a sharp breath before gathering enough confidence to blurt out his order. “Shut up and kiss me for real, you beautiful bastard.”

“Gavin, it would be my honour,” Ryan replies, flicking his gaze down to Gavin’s lips and _finally_ using the hand he’d slid under Gavin’s chin to cup his jaw and tilt Gavin’s face upwards slightly. Now he’s closing the small gap between them and pressing his lips firmly against Gavin’s.

If this were a movie, Gavin just knows that this would be when the music would soar, the audience would cheer, and the camera would track in a circle around them. The rain is bone-chilling and Ryan’s fingers are cold on his face but his lips are warm and Gavin could lose himself kissing Ryan.

But then Ryan slowly pulls back – no matter how much he’s clearly yearning for more (it’s clearer than day how much he glances at Gavin’s lips) – and he fucking _grins_ and it’s brighter than a thousand suns combined. In fact, it’s the truest and brightest smile Gavin has ever seen Ryan wear, and he grins right back. His heart is soaring in his chest and he feels so elated and blissful that Gavin almost believes that he could fly.

As Ryan wraps an arm around Gavin’s shoulder, he kisses the Brit’s temple and pulls him close so Gavin can curl into Ryan’s side and lean his head on Ryan’s shoulder. There’s another strike of lightening and the roll of thunder is at least two Mississippi’s away. Gavin glances up just in time to see the brilliant white flash of light illuminate Ryan’s handsome face; his hair is plastered to his face and they’re both shivering slightly but they’re far too lost in the moment to consider moving back inside.

Gavin barely thinks about heading back to the office for a split second before he casts the thoughts aside. He knows he’ll have to face the music when he sees the other Achievement Hunters; it was either that or suffer with even more awkwardness.

None of that mattered now, though. For in this moment right now, Gavin’s leaning his head against Ryan’s shoulder; he’s smiling fondly up at Ryan as rain hits their faces, soaking them to the bone, and all was well.

**Author's Note:**

> I really want to continue writing for this AU (I was thinking either a sequel carrying on from this one or something from Ryan’s POV) but I’d love to hear some feedback so I know how I’ve done and what you’d like to read! Thank you for reading <3  
> Come talk to me on tumblr at [savingprivatesimmons](http://savingprivatesimmons.tumblr.com/)!!


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